Scary Story Time #3 and #4

I was originally going to avoid posting scary stories for a while, since I did it two times in a row, but I’m really enjoying the shitty rainy weather, so all I want right now is spooky stuff. Anyway, I decided to just put up a couple short stories that I really like.

Quick disclaimer: I’m a really big fan of horror movies and scary stories. Recently I’ve been finding a lot of interesting little scary stories written anonymously by people on the internet, so I decided to start sharing some of the ones I like. You should know, before you read on, that I did not write any of these stories, unless otherwise noted. You should also know that I won’t always be posting that I enjoy 100%. There could be a ten page story that I post because I like one sentence of it. In that case, I assume I’ll explain why I posted horse-shit and what merit I see in it. Sometimes, I’ll post “scary” stories that I hate, think are stupid, or maybe even funny. But more than that, you should really know that some of these stories may be somewhat graphic, so just steel yourself for anything, especially poor spelling and grammar (I don’t edit these stories). No matter what, though, I hope you enjoy them too, and if you know any stories or sources, please share them with me. Also, if you have any requests, just ask, I have a huge archive of this stuff!

Sarah O’ Bannon

Coffins used to be built with holes in them, attached to six feet of copper tubing and a bell. The tubing would allow air for victims buried under the mistaken impression they were dead. In a certain small town Harold, the local gravedigger, upon hearing a bell one night, went to go see if it was children pretending to be spirits. Sometimes it was also the wind. This time, it wasn’t either. A voice from below begged and pleaded to be unburied.
“Are you Sarah O’Bannon?” Harold asked.
“Yes!” The muffled voice asserted.
“You were born on September 17, 1827?”
“Yes!”
“The gravestone here says you died on February 20, 1857.”
“No, I’m alive, it was a mistake! Dig me up, set me free!”
“Sorry about this, ma’am,” Harold said, stepping on the bell to silence it and plugging up the copper tube with dirt. “But this is August. Whatever you are down there, you sure as hell ain’t alive no more, and you ain’t comin’ up.”

AND:

Last One Today

In Berlin, after World War II, money was short, supplies were tight, and it seemed like everyone was hungry. At that time, people were telling the tale of a young woman who saw a blind man picking his way through a crowd. The two started to talk. The man asked her for a favor: could she deliver the letter to the address on the envelope? Well, it was on her way home, so she agreed.

She started out to deliver the message, when she turned around to see if there was anything else the blind man needed. But she spotted him hurrying through the crowd without his smoked glasses or white cane. She went to the police, who raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh for sale.

And what was in the envelope?

“This is the last one I am sending you today.”

So there you go, a couple brief, creative, scary stories. Two favorites of mine, actually. Their the kinds of stories that somehow captivate you from the very first word until the surprising last one.

And because I don’t want to give you nightmares tonight, here’s a little something to balance out the spookiness:

(Photo via: http://images.paraorkut.com/img/funnypics/images/p/pig_dog-12443.jpg)

Sweeney Todd

I’m jumping right in.

So Allie found out that the local theater is putting on a production of Sweeney Todd. The only background you need for this, essentially, is that Allie and I were in plays together in high school. Once she found out that they were doing this, she immediately told me that I should audition.

That I NEED to audition.

It was said with that very specific urgency, that makes it clear that that this isn’t a suggestion. But it’s not an order, either. It’s something else. It’s a strongly encouraged opportunity that, if you don’t take it, you’re making a big fucking mistake.

I’m not auditioning.

Not out of some look-at-how-cool-I-am bullshit. I think. But I’m definitely not auditioning for the show. Why should I?

My viewpoint on the matter is that, yeah, I was in TWO WHOLE SHOWS in HIGH SCHOOL. Who cares? I enjoyed them, sure. They were a really big deal at the time, but now it’s not something I’m interested in.

(Full disclosure: I’m pretty intensely interested in performance and storytelling and stuff. So I definitely understand the reasoning behind the strong suggestion. For example, I recently auditioned for an acting agency. I’m irrational, but nonetheless…)

Sweeney Todd is a really really entertaining play. I’m a fan. Not a huge fan, but I like that show. I’ve always thought it would be funny if I could produce a version of the play expressly based on the movie. From memory. For the sole purpose of having the audience think, “why are they adapting the movie into a play? Are they stupid?” That’s what I want.

I bought the soundtrack to the movie on iTunes. It’s not because I think it’s superior to any play version, but just because the movie is my main exposure to the show and I like it. I sing the songs. Even when I’m not actually playing the songs from my iPod. I like this show.

Allie knows ALL of this. I still don’t want to be in the damn show. But I have very specific, very valid reasons.

I’m 24 years old and fat. Those are the facts. The plot of this show revolves around a barber who was young and married a young beautiful woman, but the town’s judge (the villain) cooked up a reason to have this barber exported so that he could steal the wife. The man returns at least 18 years later as Sweeney Todd, and along with woman who owns his old house, he plans to kill the judge. Sweeney Todd and the woman are insane, and now he’ll pose a barber to practice killing people so he’s ready for the judge, and she’ll repurpose the bodies by making pies out of them to keep her business going. Win-win. Great show. But again. I’m a fat 24 year old.

This show is comprised almost exclusively of middle aged men. Who aren’t fat. Specifically. Very specifically.

I brought this point up. It was waved away.

I enjoy singing. I personally think I’m a decent singer, but I’m also socially conscious. It doesn’t happen much, but when it happens, I pay attention: if I happen to be singing, anybody nearby turns away, politely. It’s no big deal, I don’t care, I sing for no reason other than fun, but clearly other people aren’t impressed. Sweeney Todd is a musical.

Again, this argument is nothing.

I can’t do a British accent. Non-issue.

I don’t want to do this fucking play. I’m perfectly happy to be on stage or talk in public, but I don’t know how well I can act for a couple of hours. I’d LOVE to get up in front of people to say whatever I want, but acting? Being dramatic and singing? I’m not interested.

The way I see it, even if I audition for the experience, the best case scenario is that I have another story to tell. At best. The most likely, most boring scenario is that I audition, it’s generally fine, but there’s no place in the show for an “actor” of my caliber and age/physique.

What I would LOVE would be for them to watch me act and sing, and have to acknowledge amongst themselves (producer and director) that I have no place in the show, but to somehow really covet my talent and wish they could get me in somehow. They’d fruitlessly argue to each other that I look old…maybe I could be Sweeney Todd. Maybe Sweeney can be fat…no…no…Yeah, you’re probably right, no good…The judge. Maybe…yeah! Maybe the town judge can be 24 years old….Right? Yeah! Ugh…no. No. Shit, where can we put this guy…?

Here’s where you put me. This is what I want. I say this without a shred of comedy:

It’s local theater. It’s a local playhouse. Create a new character for me. But not a good character. What I want is for the producer to be so enchanted by me that they’re willing to remodel the script to accept a new character. But oddly enough, the character they create to accommodate me is a village-idiot type.

Fatso the Village Asshole. That’s my character. With a throwaway line of dialogue it’s explained that I’m American. They write it so that I don’t have to work for it at all. So I’m American and stupid and rude and fat. I barely have to act. They just want me in the show. I don’t even sing. I’m just Sweeney Todd’s idiot sidekick. And even though the role is written for me, because they love me, it’s totally offensive. I’m constantly tripping over myself and farting and eating and shit. That’s all I want. That’s what I’m asking for.

Allie didn’t seem interested. More than that, I’m pretty sure she stopped paying attention once I started laughing at my own jokes.

Doesn’t she get it? Listen man, this blog has several readers from foreign countries. Several from Russia!

I’m a big shot.

So local theater? Not for me. Although I think the real reason is that I just don’t like acting. I like writing or performing the crap I write.

Also, I can confirm that my Russian readers come here because of a weird mistake result on a Russian search engine.

C’est la vie.

I’m sorry.

EDIT:

I thought more about my created role. In addition to having to play a total slob, I also want to be some sort of sidekick to Sweeney Todd. I’m totally involved in the murder and involved in using the bodies for pies. But every now and then, my character will stupidly pick up one of the pies and take a bite as if oblivious to what’s going on and mention to Sweeney how good the pies are. Sweeney rolls his eyes at me, and the play moves on.